The saga continues...
I am sitting here alone, in my living room. All the kids are asleep and Lloyd is at work again even though he already worked a shift today. I am beginning to despise my work place. And most of the time I feel that I am second or third or fourth on Lloyd's list of priorities. And than I think, what number is he on mine? I am hopefully on a journey of self discovery to find my new, true self again. That girl that I used to be, before marriage and 3 children. Where did that girl go? I know that every woman changes when they get married and have children, but why do some of us change so much, and not necessarily for the better? This is what I need to discover...the reasons behind this drastic change, and then to take action and fix it, quickly, because I cannot live this way forever.  And i don't want Lloyd or my kids to live this way either. Action. Actions must be taken, but which ones and how? I do know my 1st one needs to be time spent w/ God. It has been too long. I am embarrassed to admit just how long. But a long time. And i know better too.
So onward I go, not feeling 100% committed but knowing that I should be. My emotions are still so out of whack from pregnancy and nursing. I cant wait to feel "normal" again, but how long will that be? God only knows! I am trying to not get too frustrated. But I feel so very alone, even in a house of 5 people. I will be the first one to admit that I am very lonely. And i can guarantee my husband has no idea. He likes to be alone so he doesn't get it and it doesn't ever cross his mind that someone can feel lonely in a house full of people.
AGHHH, I need to go before i get carried away in a pity party! I am exhausted in more ways than one and really need to rest (in more ways than one). Good night to all.

Change... It's something I've never been afraid of before, something that I am open to, something that I know is inevitable in life. It is a part of life and it must happen in order to evolve. However, I really seem to struggle with changing myself. There is a HUGE list of things that need, must, change in my life. Why, oh why, is it so incredibly difficult? Change is so necessary!
I am desperate at this point. I have come to my wit's end. I think I may go insane soon. I used to keep a journal and absolutely loved it! I still do it, but just a few times a year. I just cant seem to put pen to paper. Maybe I'm afraid of what will end up on that paper.  I am hoping that maybe blogging will be a little easier since I'm already on my computer everyday anyway. Plus, if I can receive some much needed encouragement and advice, that would be the ultimate pay off!
I am excited to start this 'change' in my life. I see this as not just starting a new chapter in my life, but a whole new book! A book full of blank pages. A book that I can hopefully be proud to leave for my children. Right now, I feel pretty useless to my children. I make money to support them and right now milk to support one of them. That's pretty much it. This. must. change.
I am broken. I am open.